Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
