this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize