All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
