my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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