Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
