True but thats because hes a fetus.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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