I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
