I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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