Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
