I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
