Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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