I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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