she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
