Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
