I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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