He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
