Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
