I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
