Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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