So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
