Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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