I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
