My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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