Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Randomize
