how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
