Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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