im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
