Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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