I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
