I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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