if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
