I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
