It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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