SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm passing your future prison.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
