my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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