im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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