Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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