i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Randomize
