God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
