what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
In other news, I just burned my penis
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
