tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize