I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
