where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
