the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
