awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Randomize
