i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
