New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
