if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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