i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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