you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
