My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
