I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
