no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
